Sometimes I forget everything.

Like forgetting to bother to talk to Logan last month.
It's been two years and it's still so weird to me. I don't know why it affects me at all. I never even met Micah, as much as I wish I could have.. but when he left it kind of turned my world upside down for a little while.

In a way, I envy him. He knew he was leaving and he did all he could to make an impact. He succeeded beyond belief. He still is. I wish Logan wouldn't have lost his best friend, but sometime they'll hang out again and hopefully they'll invite me in and we can all play Pokemon together or something.

I seem to have misplaced my invisibility cloak.

I've officially made it through two weeks of my second semester. I've been exhausted since day one. My classes suck and I hate everything about all of them. But I'm okay.
Ask anyone from home. I've been a piece of crap friend lately. I don't know why. Why can't I fix it? Why can't I make myself?

I made a friend. There, I said it. Despite all my efforts to avoid that situation, I've finally given up on being completely alone here. I think it'll allow me to be happier. I've been eating lately. And it hasn't been alone. People are asking me to go to lunch and dinner. I've been invited to church. Heck, I even joined a bowling league with the girls in my hall. They're not all awesome or anything, but being around people and genuinely having a good time is something I haven't had in such a long time. And I don't say that to say my friends from home aren't fun, but when you're away from home for so long, a couple days of solitude can feel like an eternity.

This weekend I helped with a leadership conference that I attended last year as a high school student. I'm not really that outgoing and I don't get along with people well, so that was a big risk. It was alright. I liked the students I worked with though and now I know three new faces on campus. That makes things a little less lonely. I'm exhausted. I had every intention of coming back to my room and passing out for a few hours then waking up and doing homework. Instead, I went to dinner and annoyed the entire cafeteria with cackling. Then I was included in a group of friends playing game night. I know all of this is really boring stuff, but in contrast to last semester, this is so new to me.

I'm so tired of feeling badly for it though. I really am. I'm still trying so hard to be there for my friends at home, but I've been busy. I never thought I'd say that. I've been hanging out with a particular group of friends and one of them didn't return to Cedarville this semester. I feel like maybe they think I'm trying to take her place. I'm really not. I'm just really really happy that people are including me. And they're nice. A few months ago I would've said that everyone here sucks.

I can't believe I'm saying this, but I think I'm enjoying myself..

I think I've already given up on this..

I'm not good at remembering anything that counts. I can never remember assignments, what my mom tells me to get at the store, dates, etc. I feel kinda crappy for it sometimes. Like how it's only been two years since my papaw died and I don't have a clue what day it happened.
It was all so weird. He was sick and Amy was over when the phone rang and my parents rushed out of the house. I think they forgot to call and tell me anything, so I assumed he was dead. I just lied there on the floor and didn't speak. They came home later that night and apparently he just wasn't eating, but my mamaw called and was hysterical, so everyone thought he was dying or something.
A few weeks went by, I guess. He called me. It's not that we weren't friendly with each other, he just wasn't one for talking on the phone. Actually, he wasn't one for talking at all. But when he did speak, he always said the perfect thing. Anyway, with tears in his voice, he told me he wanted me to have his truck and that he was sorry he didn't get to teach me to drive like he did with my brother and sister. It was my fault. I was the one who was too lazy to get my permit until months and months after my birthday. I was the one who ruined that. I wanted to tell him I was sorry. I wanted to tell him not to tell me to have the truck, because he would need it when he got better.
He didn't get better.
It had snowed that night. There was a two-hour delay that morning. Mom woke me up and told me he was gone. As simple as that.. I could tell she was trying to hold herself together, so I just said okay and got into the shower. I think I cried for two minutes. My sister took me to school that morning. Nothing was any different. I went about my day like I would any other. I texted my friend after school and told her. She said she knew. Her parents had told her. I felt like an idiot, because I knew that if she knew, everyone knew.. and I looked like an idiot showing up to school like nothing even happened.
He didn't have a funeral. I've only been to one funeral, but it was enough to convince me that I'll never have one. We did have a memorial service, however. There we were, dressed uncomfortably, half of us with wadded up tissues in our fists, standing in the front of the church as guests came filing through hugging us and telling us they're sorry for our loss. I don't know how you can be sorry for something like that, but nevertheless, I replied to everyone with "it's okay." I realize that sounds like I was avoiding the situation. Everyone was sad.. we lost someone really awesome. But it was so much different than I could have imagined.
See, I was never certain if my papaw was a Christian or not. I had a pretty good feeling that he was, but I don't think he ever told me. I remember him having a bad temper, but that's because his medicine was affecting him. I never had the guts to ask, but when he died, I knew the answer. I knew it because of the overwhelming peace I found. I meant it every time I said "it's okay." Why should I be sad that he's closer to where I want to be? I'm excited for him. I just wish it wouldn't have hurt him to go.
I've seen other people deal with loss and it's not pretty. I'm not saying that I'm always going to deal with it like this, but it really has been so peaceful. Since his death, I've learned more and more about him. I always knew he had a decent taste in music, but since I found out he listened to Taylor Swift and Michelle Branch, my respect for that man has gone through the roof. He always had the best food. I learned that the hard way. When he left, so did anything decent in my grandma's house. I don't wish he had another day on this planet, because this isn't home.. I just wish I would've gotten to know him better. But doesn't everyone feel that way?
I haven't cried over his death since. I'll see him again. That day keeps getting sooner. I'm growing anxious. Every day my soul yearns for it. Not to see him, but to go home. God, I am so ready to come home.

Hello Winter

I'm watching it snow/sleet/rain out my window. It's like a bad car wreck. It's terrible, but you can't look away.

Don't get me wrong, snow is beautiful. But I'm in Ohio now and I'm guessing this place will turn into a tundra come winter. I'm already dreading the thought of walking to class and driving to the store in it. I'll honestly probably stayed holed up in my room and I'll force myself to stop eating.

There is one redeeming quality about this place, though.

The lamp post in the courtyard. Maybe this winter will just feel like Narnia.
Aslan, please come soon.


It's already sticking to cars..

The Windy City

I used to want to live in Ohio. I'd ask my parents every day. Now I'm going to school here. Three months and I couldn't be more sick of it. Relient K is from Ohio and they never made it sound exciting, but it sure sounded a lot better than where I was.

I used to complain about curvy roads and hills. I told myself there was no way I would ever miss that. Took me about a week.

Dear Ohio,
You look so good from a distance. Really, you look pretty sexy. You are covered in corn, so obviously I want to have an affair with you. Three months and I have not once had corn on the cob.
You are too flat. Your winds are incessant. You are incredibly soggy.
I think I hate you. I'm sorry, but it's not me. It's you.

It doesn't rain straight down in Ohio. You could walk 5 miles in the pouring rain and your hair wouldn't even be wet. Instead, it rains sideways and no matter what direction you turn, it seems to be pelting you in the face. Add some wind to that, so now it feels like icy razor blades being shot out of a cannon.


Ohio is the windiest place I have ever been. There is absolutely nothing to stop the wind. I wish they would build some skyscrapers or hills to protect me. It has gotten to the point where it hurts to walk to class. I have been teeth. Huge. It's hard for me to close my mouth and I'm a mouth breather. I try so hard to keep my mouth closed when I'm outside, but it's so impossible. So my teeth have been hurting for a week straight. Just like with the rain, you're always traveling AGAINST the pain. Winter will be fun...

Not to mention, every Kroger around here is skanky.

You do offer me great gas mileage though..